Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
