My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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