at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
