I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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