Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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