you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
