you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
