is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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