see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
