My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
