Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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