Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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