It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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