Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
