I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
