Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
