Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
