I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
