I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
