Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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