So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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