So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
