Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
COCAINE IS GR8
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
