I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
