he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
one two three fourrrrnication!
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
