I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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