I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
