he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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