So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
