It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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