he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
