McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
