At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
