awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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