ugly people sure do ruin things
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
