Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
