alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
