The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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