i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
