I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
