My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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