i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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