we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
