I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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