I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You did what with his pubic hair?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
