I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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