the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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