If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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