i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
