I accidentally had phone sex last night
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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